decided to change the now playing part of the diary as i never listen to new music and always just have youtube videos as background noise rather than something that would actually be good for me and my eardrums. sad to read my last diary post about going outside and having a job considering the state of the world. even though now that i'm two months into being a hikikomori/neet i almost don't want it to stop. every year i forget about bees! that's why i don't go outside. they smell my fear. somehow too lazy to watch movies at this point! every movie takes me two days to watch because i fall asleep, but i liked 'behind the yellow line'. it was cute to see maggie cheung and leslie cheung all baby-faced in a slightly nonsensical but warm and happy rom-com-drama type. i finished the book 'paprika' [yasutaka tsutsui] and now need to rewatch the movie with my boyfriend. he didn't like perfect blue because it was too confusing but i feel confident in my ability to explain the entire plot of this one. the book was inferior, i think, none of the characters are that likeable and there's some questionable things said and done. can't remember my dreams but assume they're all nightmares about terraforming [in animal crossing]. i'm addicted to caffeine. i don't know how i got sidetracked into doing this even i'm supposed to be watching a movie


i have not been updating this 'diary', i think, because it was mostly an escape to get into before going to my shitty job or when my boyfriend was at work. now, my boyfriend works normal hours so i'm never at his house alone tiptoeing around. now, i work only 10 hours a week at a job i enjoy. i get to listen to podcasts and music and audiobooks while just chopping things up and drinking energy drinks. perfect for me. i obviously am not making a living wage but i don't feel like worrying about it when i need to worry about just figuring out what i want to do first. i got prescribed ambien but i'm too scared to take it. i got chased by a dog in my yard the other day, it was scary. no wonder i'm a cat person. i wish i lived in california or just somewhere warm enough where i could start wearing skirts again. but on the other hand, i just want to live in siberia and stay inside. i've been watching movies every day, almost reading, and almost exercising. telling myself i'll go outside when it stops raining. mainly for the sake of photography. need to play 'ni no kuni' because the netflix movie sucked. crying at every movie lately, namely "angst essen seele auf" & "i want to eat your pancreas". sometimes it feels like days are too short, even. and that's why i would choose to pause time rather than reverse it! can't wait for world's greatest train rides siberia and japan vhs tapes [i don't remember if it was really japan] to get here. might resume being a weeaboo -- paused temporarily to pretend turning 20 changed anything. feel hopeful for no reason. back to researching sleazy softcore foreign films from the 60s and 70s, for similarly no reason.