i have not been updating this 'diary', i think, because it was mostly an escape to get into before going to my shitty job or when my boyfriend was at work. now, my boyfriend works normal hours so i'm never at his house alone tiptoeing around. now, i work only 10 hours a week at a job i enjoy. i get to listen to podcasts and music and audiobooks while just chopping things up and drinking energy drinks. perfect for me. i obviously am not making a living wage but i don't feel like worrying about it when i need to worry about just figuring out what i want to do first. i got prescribed ambien but i'm too scared to take it. i got chased by a dog in my yard the other day, it was scary. no wonder i'm a cat person. i wish i lived in california or just somewhere warm enough where i could start wearing skirts again. but on the other hand, i just want to live in siberia and stay inside. i've been watching movies every day, almost reading, and almost exercising. telling myself i'll go outside when it stops raining. mainly for the sake of photography. need to play 'ni no kuni' because the netflix movie sucked. crying at every movie lately, namely "angst essen seele auf" & "i want to eat your pancreas". sometimes it feels like days are too short, even. and that's why i would choose to pause time rather than reverse it! can't wait for world's greatest train rides siberia and japan vhs tapes [i don't remember if it was really japan] to get here. might resume being a weeaboo -- paused temporarily to pretend turning 20 changed anything. feel hopeful for no reason. back to researching sleazy softcore foreign films from the 60s and 70s, for similarly no reason.