have been playing bitsy games all morning and it makes me want to make one. i feel like i can never create anything because i never have any ideas. or when i do, the furthest they can manifest into is a pinterest board -- was going to add the descriptor 'half-assed' before that but honestly my pinterest boards are anything but -- before the imagination-gene vanishes from my brain for another two months. there's so many possibilities, but none of them come to mind? today i played this
and cried a little. began thinking about how often i feel like i'm not a real part of the lgbt community because i've only ever dated guys [although i have despised all of them]. i'm scared i'm never gonna kiss a girl in a meaningful way! if i stay with my boyfriend forever, i don't want it to give my family the impression that the times i said i liked girls were lies, or my extended family the impression that i'm a boring heterosexual like them! guys have been more easy to make conversation with [on dating sites, the only place i've ever met anyone] because you can just be mean to them and they like you, but girls just message me, "i like your hair" and then you compliment them back and that's IT!! i almost feel like an incel! but point is i love girls and i'm valid!!! fun fact: someone who once scrutinized me for 'being bi' but never having a gf told me once while on c*caine that she didn't think she was gay "like, at all" -- sweaty i could tell by the way you rejected a hot girl for the ugliest man i've ever seen but thanks for letting me know that you invalidated me because you were projecting. anyway need to watch still walking!
today is elizabeth fraser's birthday, which she shares with a friend of mine. virgos are good, i guess. i didn't have any dreams while i was on a break from weed, but when i started smoking again i immediately started dreaming? they aren't vivid dreams, and i usually can't recall very much of them, but it's definitively more than nothing. i guess i dreamt in europe because three wine spritzers before bed do that to your brain. i'm really hesitant to talk about my feelings with anyone, whether it's because i don't want anyone to know i have them or because i hate advice almost as much as i hate sympathy i'm not sure. but i realize that's probably not the right thing to do. my mind is incapable of thinking rationally when i'm upset and i need someone else to think for me, even if i will be hesitant to accept it! here's a rational thought: i need to quit my job :-(. i don't want to work in food and i don't want to wear my hair in a low goddamn ponytail! the only thing stopping me is the two and a half coworkers that i like who praise me sometimes [and the fact that i need to find another job]. walmart called me because i applied for a pharmacy assistant position but i've been too nervous to call back. they'd probably drug test me anyway....
yesterday i spontaneously decided that romanian was the language i wanted to devote myself to learning. an absolutely arbitrary decision based on their "what's up" (ce faci) being the coolest one. today, i am wondering if i'm making the right decision. however, sitting and pondering which language i should commit to learning is even less productive than sitting here and learning a language that i might decide is useless to me in a few months. after going to germany, i didn't want to learn german anymore because it was hard to pronounce and berlin wasn't all i had made it out to be in my tiny little brain. brasov isn't berlin, right? right?! i don't wanna settle down anywhere , i wanna settle down everywhere.... and i wanna know every language....not having superpowers and a super-brain is so inconvenient. romanian seems like a mix of czech and spanish in some way. should i learn CZECH?!!!! i know i like prague!! there's no vampires in prague though..unless...
cried myself to sleep last night over not being able to sleep! cleaned my room a little yesterday, i want to get rid of more than is capable of fitting in the trash, but i did find some essays from junior year and am now wondering why i am not the president. i have absolutely no appetite the past few days and it's horrible!!! also, i was planning to go swimming today but.....it's raining.....today.. of all days! really want to rewatch haibane renmei. allergic to almonds but put almond oil on my skin by accident and i'm not dead what's up with that... last of my sporadic thoughts for the hour: i bought a pack of two tank tops in germany and i have only worn one of them ever, and have no memory of what the other one looked like or where it could possibly be. did it ever exist? can there only be one?
the last couple of days have been somehow simultaneously hectic and tedious. i called out of work yesterday because the day before i threw up at least 100 times. if you read the blog post before this, you may be able to infer what happened to me. yesterday i cried a lot. i guess breaking out of my hungover lethargic state made me descend to a state worse than lethargy. i'm planning to organize a bit of my room today, maybe throw everything i own away, but it's eleven and i haven't left my bed yet. i wish i didn't wish my boyfriend was by my side all the time so badly. also, watched a FILM for the first time in weeks yesterday, bad education
. i'm gonna say 3 1/2 stars. i love fele martinez and gael garcia bernal with a big amount of my heart, but the way it dealt with its themes became increasingly flippant as the film went on. anyway, hopefully i won't sadblog any more this week...
since this is my diary
, i will spill a secret. i am a filthy w*ed addict. i don't dream, and my tolerance is too high, so i guess i'm going to take a break. this time i won't become a temporary alcoholic!! other than this, i have been thinking about all the reasons i need to delete social media and how the reasons i'm hesitant to are admittedly very easily dismissed by actually thinking with my brain. all social media does is steal my data and make me feel bad about my life based on the fabricated, facetuned lives strangers are leading!! but where are my pictures supposed to go then...and who's gonna tell my enemies i'm thriving?? wish me luck in insomniac sober nites.
for some reason, i've been on an unnecessarily grueling search for fuzzy shorts. when i was in japan, every store that sold socks usually also sold shorts that were basically sock material, advertised as thigh warmers or something similarly intriguing and cozy sounding. whatever part of my brain thought that i should just pass by and not purchase every pair i saw should be lobotomized. google searches for thigh warmers turn up as many results as you'd expect [nothing relevant whatsoever!!!!!]. i've searched a few other terms but i can't find the stretchy sock shorts i desire. i didn't know soft stuff was so exclusive to japan !! this is a cry for help.