woke up to my dog barking at a package that wasn't for me. feeling definitively indecisive and filled to the brim with guilt about how my existence affects people around me. almost definitely about to quit my job (really this time) but i feel bad about it. i'm gonna be broke and everyone at this grocery store is gonna want me dead. i think they already do. i don't know why i care. finished season one of hidamari sketch. wasn't aware there was a season two, but i am glad. akiyuki shinbo's aesthetics that i've come to love through the monogatari series are also present here, giving this cute slice-of-life a somewhat surreal sense of humor. watched 'stranger
' last night, the first jim jarmusch film i've seen. i was excited to get into jarmusch because 'dead man' is my dad's favorite movie. i usually think it's kiiind of pretentious to make black and white films in this day and age but that's because i'm a fool. the black and white fits perfectly with the minimalist theme of the film and i wouldn't and couldn't imagine it in color. probably, almost definitely, my go-to favorite ~comedy~ movie now. /also/ finally watched dusan makavejev's 'wr: mysteries
of the organism
', which has been at the top of my watchlist since he died. can't stop thinking about milena dravic. want to live in the forest and paint trees everyday.
been feeling weird not bad weird necessarily. it still is maximalist in the most degenerate way, but i've made significant progress on ~fixing~ my room. trying to come to terms with myself being a literal hoarder,, why keep clothes and things i don't like for years & years whati s the point. making myself watch black and white movies lately with varied results; 'viridiana' was not as good as i expect a buñuel film to be. [trying to let myself say 'film' instead of movie and not feel pretentious.] 'cleo from 5 to 7' was good. not black and white but 'on the beach at night alone' was also good - i luv kim min-hee. wondering what normal people would think upon entering my room. still wishing i could spend every minute w/ my boyfrend ! listening to significant amounts of serani poji. is it ok to eat teddy grahams for breakfast? slept from 9-1 and 3-7 last night. woke up at 1 suffering from hidamari sketch withdrawals. want to make shrine pages but the internet is so horrible and gossip sites r so addicting. i hate desperate housewives. i want a kotatsu.
really wish i was in japan drinking a strong zero
right now!! finished orange is the new black last night and while there may be good intentions strung all about at its core it is a show for masochists? i get that bad things happen in real life i am aware however do they have to kill the characters i like?! anmd god i hate piper am i glad this show will never be thought about by me ever again. coughing my lungs out. completely forgot about the album 'high flyin kid stuff' though i was listening to it everyday before i went to germany. i was also playing animal crossing everyday before i went to germany. i can't bear to play it now. i don't wanna see that cube
moved away!! :-( did i already mention that i need to learn how to cook and also to read? mainly to read. i could be filling my free time with so many productive things but instead i do nothing and just wait around for bad things to happen, like doctor's appointments and work.
played sega tennis superstars today until pudding fronm space channel 5 started relentlessly kicking my ass. wish i had oreos. wish i could astral project and wish i knew if it was all a SCAM or not. i need to detox myself of seaweed because it's going to bankrupt me. i am cursed; every time i come to my boyfriend's house my cursed-ness manifests a good-sized spider in some corner of the room. can't form coherent thoughts!
finally watched 'still walking
' last night. i didn't realize it was actually named after the song 'blue light yokohama', but i don't think i'll ever be able to listen to that song without crying again. though i was probably crying while listening to it before too. best movie i've seen all year; shot so beautifully in a way that complements the simultaneously simple & complex plot. i didn't realize i'd seen three other kore-eda films, but from what i've seen he's really great and i have been putting off watching everything he's ever made for too long!! i also watched a chinese movie, 'kaili blues
', yesterday. it was pretty, and promising for a directorial feature debut. i did fall asleep and the plot wasn't that compelling and was kind of confusing for an idiot like me, but i'm looking forward to more
films from bi gan. wish i had more motivation for writing things. just got deja vu, wondering why it seems like it happens all the time. when i was in germany, i had an idea for a short film about coming back from vacation to a world that's been altered. i feel like i manifested it into reality, because my life has seemed different since i got home. but is it me who changed or the world!!!!!??? either way it sux
hate to sadpost on my 'not specifically designated for sadposting' page, but i haven't been able to stop thinking about how my friends don't really like me at all and my presence is not important ? i hung out with my 'best friend' for the first time in a month, the third time this summer iirc [ya its still suemmr], and she told me about these parties that she and my other friend had gone to, and stuff they'd been doing, and...why am i never invited? i have no life and yet my best friends won't invite me to a party. it could be that they're in love with each other and that's why they want to hang out alone but hanging out at a party with a bunch of people i thought they liked less than me is NOT alone! well, whatever, i'm going to stop trying and if they don't ask me to hang out, they don't ask me to hang out. i don't need friends when i have the album 'feels' by animal collective, a subscription to the criterion collection streaming service, and, like, pinterest lol! all this being said, i seem to be alternating between thinking i'm worthless scum and a heavensent gift to earth. can i be both???
i haven't listened to sufjan stevens in so many months... i've lost touch with god! i feel like i'm not doing anything, ever. everyday is just trying to make it to tomorrow! that's not how i want 2 live. these thoughts are going to make it hard for me not to buy plane tickets to switzerland in april while it's only like $300. not once in my life have i thought about going to switzerland, but it can't be bad
and there's plenty of trains willing to take me somewhere else, i think? i just don't want to travel alone but everyone else in the world is not good with money. seeing how much shit i'm hoarding and don't have the energy to get rid of makes me never want to buy anything new. my boyfriend is not this enlightened! [jk he spnds too much of his money on me as well BAD]. feeling a very self-destructive train of thought coming along telling me i'm not worthy of love going to drown it out with violent pianos
mashimaro last night. it was very cute. i didn't even think i was on the last episode... the sound design [especially the ED jeez] is very good and captures the comfy, nostalgic feel, and the humor, at times, is second to none. nobue being a pervert however is not that funny to me. anyway, i'm too much of a coward to tell my boss i don't want to work this much and so i'm going to work every single day with my coworker that i don't like! nobody else ruins my routine like that....like....sweeping is not that urgent you didn't have to finish it for me and especially not in that half-assed way, everything she does seems like it's to intentionally annoy me. maybe it's not but feeling that way at all makes me not
want to go to work!!! i just want to...watch anime movies..
the song 'flesh canoe' just made me cry. is my ability to sob over movies/anime/music so easily a type of disease? the purple bottle is so tied to my valentine's day that the flashbacks are visceral. it was stuck in my head at work all day and i think i may have played it on repeat in the car on the way to canada because of that. canada seems like it just feels better than america, but i can probably blame that on the extra snow and variety of all dressed chips. got legally drunk technically for the first time and then ate jojos and [cough syrup&] threw up in the christian airbnb. the next day [me & bf] went to ikea for the *first tiem* & it was everything i ever dreamed it would be. i want to go back to canada, but i don't know what there is to do there when super mega isn't there. i also want to go back to my old job working with my boyfriend i hav so many dreams., and so many tabs open.. oh no banshee beat is on
finally watched cutie honey last night. gonna say 5 stars on that one...maybe knock off half a star for being painfully ambiguous in regards to how g*y cutie honey and natsuko aki are. interested in reading the source material now, and also making a hideaki anno shrine because that shit caused me to produce just as many tears as i did at end of evangelion!! i don't know why the theme song
sounded so familiar to me, but it's going to be stuck in my head for days. i really did sob at this movie. also, having random numbers call me all day is so exhausting, please i am actually going to throw my phone in the river
phones need to be abolished, specifically mine!! my brain is ROTTING i want to read a book but my phone just exists and makes things so much harder. today one of my worst ex boyfriends messaged me a video of temple os and while it was one of the less bad messages i've received from him i don't want to be burdened with the reminder of his existence! i should be erased from the memory of all my dumb ex 'boyfriends' for their sake and mine!! opened the app dream girlfriend for the first time in two months today and they said it was my 930th day of logging in but it's NOT because i'm a horrible girlfriend to my three anime gfs. considered spending money on it which is another reason my phone should be thrown in the river. i don't think i planned to talk exclusively about my phone in this, but i did. anyway, abolish work
; my disdain for work is a double-edged sword of laziness
and awareness! though i kind of like my burn scars, i do NOT like that they were from such lame occasions as frying bullshit at work.