happy halloween, today is my first day at my new job. i only work three hours. i'm not dreading it; a positive difference. finally got into a twitter fight with the 'other twitter user with anger issues' i've mentioned before, solidifying the truth of my statement in that we both desperately need to delete twitter! got my camcorder to work for a few minutes outside. hopefully i can meticulously craft an artful short film from a twenty second clip of my unmoving dog. watched 'tampopo' last night, a pretty comfy film. i recognized yoriko doguchi, but couldn't figure out from where, and was pleasantly surprised to see that i'd felt this feeling at least thrice before. she's in a bunch of random things, somehow, like 'tomie' [great stuff], 'cure' [great stuff!], 'swallowtail butterfly' [great stuff!! but she's definitely barely in it i don't remember her at all], and one of sion sono's earlier films, 'the room'. watched 'true stories' the night before, which partially reinvigorated my love for talking heads. sad that virgil, texas is not a real place. the night before that, i watched two hong sang-soo films; 'the day he arrives' & 'claire's camera', which helped me conclude that hong sang-soo is one of the special filmmakers working today, and that kim min-hee is literally my favorite.

OCT. 24/19 | NOW PLAYING: コンドルが飛んで来る - YAPOOS

feel very stumped by my absolute lack of imagination. i will never write anything! any worlds that were inside me are dead now! i just can never think interesting thoughts. i watch a lot of boring movies, not sure if that helps. feels like the only [video] camera meant for me is my broken camera, but it will never go outdoors. had a job interview but i didn't say anything. sad because it seemed like a bearable job; minimal interaction, repetitive, detail-oriented work, and around the block from my house. i certainly need to stop smoking weed! and start freakin' exercisinG!!!! really wanna move far away, or just go somewhere, but not enough to where i'm going to start actively looking for a new job. wish there was anything interesting to do with my days! why is it almost november??? trying to finally watch all my neglected sion sono films after acquiring a few rarer ones. i guess that's interesting enough.


have to see my grandmother today after forgetting to wish her a happy birthday yesterday.... what am i gonna say!!!! why is it physically impossible for me to text someone? speaking of, no offense but i wish my aforementioned worst-ex-bf would not try to call me on facebook messenger when trying to kill himself or something. we are not even facebook friends what could you possibly say to me and why should i have to hear it? is this insensitive? i do not like him. anyway. almost done watching all of desperate housewives, it's ending horribly, think i dreamt about it. wish my dreams weren't so vague. sleeping too early. watched 'celine and julie go boating' and it was very, very good. my crush on juliet berto was amplified to one thousand. i was expecting the three hours to feel a lot slower than they did; they flew right by, and when i realized it was about to end, i found myself wanting it to last, like, maybe forever. magical and beautiful. feels like if, i don't know, david lynch directed a movie where the characters had fun, but that makes this sound honestly way more underwhelming than it is (aka not at all). i only mean the comparison in the surreal/dreamlike elements. might be my new favorite movie. hopefully someday i can watch it in better quality?????!!!


eventually going to consume a caffeinated granola bar and start cleaning my closet. might stop smoking weed and try to dream and write a story. want to paint but it's intimidating. pondering the pointlessness of life but not spreading my thoughts to others as they may be contagious. watched almodovar's 'tie me up tie me down' and the next morning kurosawa's 'rashomon', drew cinematic parallels. watched cronenberg's 'the brood' last night and it furthered my appreciation for his films. they're just fun movies, somehow. i also think they're not that scary, even if gross, but i end up getting scared. when i watched 'videodrome' i was still in my old bedroom. still paranoid. half asleep for some moments while watching 'the brood' but then as i'm going to sleep after finishing it i think a little demon baby is going to jump on me from some corner? 'naked lunch' seems intriguing, but i don't know how good his other films are.. are they as good as 'rabid'?????? or should i just watch rabid again???!!!


watched sion sono's new 'forest of love'. cried within seconds because of a shuji terayama reference. following the terayama comment was one of many scenes that i felt to be terayama-esque due to the use of color. the initial thing that fascinated me about terayama and made me eager to watch more of his films was the use of color; his first short film that i watched was green, 'throw away your books rally in the streets' used greens and purples, and 'pastoral: to die in the country' used gradients to sell me the psychedelic plot. in this, sono uses gradient colors and i love him for it. some things i've noticed as a pattern in sono films is the color red, girls running, and interesting interior design. in his earlier films, the interior is pretty standard, deviating somewhat in films such as 'cold fish' or 'strange circus', but in more recent works like 'tokyo vampire hotel' and 'tokyo tribe' the costuming and sets have gotten more colorful and surreal. anyway, apparently this netflix original was based on a true story, but i can't find any information pertaining to what this true story may even be. worth noting that 'love exposure' was also said to be based on a true story..... i keep forgetting that shinnosuke mitsushima is hikari mitsushima's brother. i wanted this to be more of a review of the actual new movie rather than just talking but now i just realized i don't know how to review a movie. i wouldn't recommend it as someone's first sion sono film, but jesus it was good. i love taeko and i need to watch the whispering star i am a FAKE sion sono fan!


today, the day i have lived the last week for; the day sion sono's netflix original is released. i'm putting it off for another couple of hours, but i am very excited. i don't know exactly what it's about but that's the best way to go into a movie anyway. went outside yesterday with my boyfriend and though there may be bugs and leaves in my hair it felt good. where to find shrooms in the wild. if i keep that 'outside' thing up and start a meal plan my depression could be cured by the time sion sono's nicolas cage movie comes out. reminding myself i don't need to be worried, nicolas cage HAS been in good movies. he has! also, got diagnosed with autism but i forgot, don't have too many people to tell about it so might as well shout it into the neocities void. the specialist who diagnosed me was asking how i felt, shocked or whatever, but i don't feel different at all. been watching short films, makes me sad that some of them have been so good but i'll ultimately forget about all of them in two months max. how does a short film become less forgettable?? watched 'la chinoise' and was reminded of why i disliked the other godard film i've watched. watched 'roujin z' for the soundtrack composed by members of chakra. thought 'a 90s anime where mishio ogawa is singing the ED? what could go wrong', and was right. it was cool. thinking about someone who said sailor moon crystal had improved graphics, and someone on the same flight to japan and back as me who i'd overheard saying he liked evangelion but thought the animation was bad. cannot believe anyone could think those things. i almost hate the way new anime looks in comparison. modernity only makes things worse!!! i want to knock down every building and plant weeping willows.


think i have some anger issues. thinking about someone i follow on twitter who has stated before that they have anger issues and makes it obvious as they get angry at something new online everyday. i also get mad at many things i see on twitter but i don't always reply. for them and for me, it seems like the best thing to do [for our health] is delete twitter. listening to 'nan'yo de yoisho' again. it is 4:20, and i haven't smoked weed yet today. feeling happy to not have a job. watched 'happy together' and it was pretty and sad. if i wasn't partly falling asleep i would've sobbed bucketloads, particularly at the end. i have chills looking at screencaps now. wong kar-wai, i hate you!!!! [EDIT: just read a wong kar-wai quote that's making me shiver and want to make a shrine page for him i HATE YOU BRO] watched 'river of grass', while watching it sometimes thought 'i almost hate this'. that's how i feel about most any american movie though. i've been thinking about it all day. i wish my name was cozy. minimalist filmmaking has been inspiring me lately. all you need is a girl and a gun!!!! godard and griffith were right! for once! i also need a video camera, but that's secondary. i love trash and i'd love for my movie to look like trash, it shouldn't be hard. i want it to have the quality of a snuff film you find hidden in the library archives. worse, even. i would be perfectly satisfied with my shitty 8mm camcorder from my childhood if it weren't broken in a way that i don't understand. caffeine makes me shake like a madman, like a girl having a panic attack about being broken in a way that no one knows how to fix. bought halloween scrunchies today. want to make some of my own.


worried about my brain turning to mush. finished reading 'sputnik sweetheart' and now i might be murakami-ed out for a minute... all the wells and cats and cigarettes... i liked it though. the narrator shared my birthday. i want to go to greece. i also spontaneously re-read 'the miraculous journey of edward tulane' for the first time since elementary school. think i cried more now than i did then. it's really cold today; i wonder when my father will accept the prospect of me turning my heater on. watched 'the devil's backbone' for eduardo noriega's beautiful, evil face. watched 'cat people' which is the only 40s movie i have enjoyed so far, i think. [EDIT: i am going to watch the 80s remake only because i have a crush on nastassja kinski] sad to believe there are viewers who didn't sympathize with irena, didn't want her to tear her husband's face off. watched 'good morning' and it was very nice. old movies keep making me want to move to a random myriad of places but then i remember modernity has ruined a lot of the beauty i find in the compositions of yasujiro ozu films [among others]. feeling like i'm a much more boring person than i think. and that's why i'm so bored! consuming obscure media doesn't make me any more interesting but what else am i supposed to do!! i want to drink cough syrup but i don't want it to hurt. is there more to life than movies? is there more to life than doing the same pointless thing for hours each day and frequenting mundane cafes? if that's adulthood i don't want it! i don't even like coffee! reading my middle school diary over again has made me descend yet again into a path of lazy nihilism, because i was right all along. i've listened to 'nan'yo de yoisho' way too many times this week and yet not enough.


it's already october!!! :-/ found out there is FOUR seasons of hidamari sketch. put in my two weeks at work and trying not to feel guilty -- corporate stockholm syndrome! started reading a book. i should be reading said book right now. watched agnes vardas' 'vagabond' last night which had a great soundtrack. sometimes used music that sounded more fitting for a horror movie but i mean it kinda is horror in the most subtle and somehow simultaneously palpably realistic sense. i wish those words made more sense. trying to delete a bunch of the pictures on my phone but there are far too many. how did i even acquire so many images? going through old screenshots makes me sad. i've cried about my dead friend twice this week. it's been a year and a half. i feel like i don't have the right to miss her so much, we barely even talked before she died. but i can't stop thinking about everything i would say to her and tell her about, and how it could've been the same again if she were still here. i don't like talking about her because i don't want or think i deserve sympathy for it. i just want to meet her in a dream one last time. but i don't dream!