i keep thinking about how rating a film immediately after watching it feels clouded, shrouded, disingenuous… but then, rating a film at all ever feels the same. it can be helpful for me to define my feelings through numbers and stars but for me that’s not the way art works! which i guess is what leads to everyone on letterboxd.com having some arbitrary rating scale spelled out clearly in their bio [maybe]. all that is just to say that i cannot stop thinking about ‘a gap in the skin’, however many [13.5] months ago i watched it. it resurfaces like a dream, not exactly a nightmare. find myself wanting to rewatch it despite remembering vividly the repulsion and how it permeates every second of the film. i genuinely disliked watching it, but somehow love it all the same.

other than that, i’ve been thinking about king gizzard and the lizard wizard and why in the world my skin is grey. were i in berlin i’d blend in not with the people but w/ the pavement [of which there is an abundance]. i’m very bored all day long and filled with hopes and dreams around 11pm. I think i read slavoj zizek or someone talking about feeling similarly, a boost of productivity when a normal human body would be ready to sleep, but unlike me he utilizes this rather than suppressing it and assuming such sentiments will ever arise during the daytime. not living in my parents’ house would probably help. it would also help if i hadn’t filled my closet with scary funhouse mirrors, but that is a more esoteric thing to mention.

after noticing that, i began to wonder where the purse i had been actually using [containing my wallet you know all my money and my bus pass], and realized that in my pain and [psychosomatic, premonitory] panic, i had left it in the pseudo-uber i had taken home. waiting for the cops and the driver [who had shown a little bit of attitude when i called him about the situation] simultaneously was misery, which i could not cry about [due to the landlord's son's presence] nor write about [due to my diary being in a trash can somewhere, or worse, being READ]. anywyay, my friend didn't curse me for life and the airbnb hosts promptly bought a new, and far better, television to replace the other. i am still feeling the repercussions due to not having a single valid id in my possession and thus forth being hellishly housebound.

anyway on a brighter note i'm actively lobotomizing myself w/ marijuana [sorry that marijuana is the word i alwaus use it just sounds literary] and listening to far far far too much black midi. still waiting for the record to come in the mail... marijuana almost made me forget... anyway i wish i could be a NEET so i could somehow get myself to work on music. don't know why i'm more scared to take photos in the states. i'm more scared of most things. i want to learn how to cook i want to learn many things, what's new. does anyone want to mail me some adderall.

i camped for two nights last week, and went on a hike to a really sexy waterfall with a tunnel that was truly insane to traverse though while on the peak of a mushroom trip. a worst-case-scenario situation ended up making magnifcient memories which is always almost angelic, and seemingly a running theme this summer. i attained the cutest white tennis skirt and hopefully at least one good film photo. someday i should reverse the lobotomy. i want to do so many things. i got weird little pink mushroom chairs i love them so much also my chi tattoo i lvoe her so mcuh feeling love *smokes wweed*

a friend lent me his laptop and european keyboards are fucked what's going on!!! i wonder if he'll be upset if i illegally download sims 2 and a bunch of custom content. not sure if that is how i should utilize my vacation time, but it doesn't feel that wrong. using italics there was a struggle because the arrow buttons don't actually have arrows on them wtf i only found them through my intuition!!! there's a movie theater here showing very random old american movies, which does feel like a meaningful use of my vacation time. i wish i knew what i wanted to do with my life in any capacity. i don't even know what to do TODAY!!!!! my propensity for indecision will be the death of me. and i cannot stop eating ramen!!!!

i brought a book but in an entire month i've read around 50 pages??? i'm a disaster! i can't get out of bed before noon either, real vacation stuff. i can't stop watching catfish. it's deceptively cold in my room so i don't know what to wear out. i don't know if i should day-drink. i do know i should NEVER buy SNACKS again. i need to buy new shoes. this is actually quite a boring entry, i need to go write a review for the sad woman movie i watched last night, and reluctantly buy plane tickets home !!! oh by the way i'm getting CHI TATTOOED on my body FOREVER. cant wait to grow old

i used to be very proud of my pinterest boards, now i am going through this website and it is so pretty and feels so good to have somethign i feel i can actually feasibly be proud of. i want to make more things to be proud of! i might quit my job in the summer, maybe work even more hours right now so i can save up and just go crazy. i always forget how bad i feel in summer due to having improper clothing -- i want to learn to sew and to combat the heat. i want to stop wanting and start DOING!!!!

just looked at my spring index from last year... idk how i can top this but okay..,. update: cant and wont. will try again in summertiem

feel like i'm definitely not going to get up off the floor today but if i produce anything seemingly artistic it will not be for naught. why am i unable to let myself relax! i work myself to the bone (well nto really but in my eyes) on weekends and then wonder why the prospect of going to work then feels legitimately like a death sentence.

i watched the who movie by ken russell last night, downloaded it not knowing the context whatsoever, there was one singular line of non-singing dialogue, it made no sense but it was inspiring and i liked it. i typed kurt russell at first. i want to do karaoke. i'm reading songs i wrote in high school and crying. i had no idea how much [but also in a way how little] things would change. the other night i took a handful of mushrooms before going to bed and then tossed around imagining vivid scenarios, felt enlightening. i want to microdose today and hope it happens again. i feel i need to do something, even just one thing, to catalyze some kind of change in my life, my feet r stuck in the mud. if ur reading this can u diagnose me w ADD? and prescribe me ritalin? thank u

upset that my index page is still summer-based, but i missed halloween, november doesn't compel me so much, i just want to skip to christmas; i want snow, i want fairy tales! also need to download more livejournal icons. i really want to finish my music as well, and make videos. i want to do so much i wish i could stop time. do i need an adderall prescription?! i need a record player and Chakra on vinyl, is what i need!!!! been watching Nana, can't count how many times i've cried. wish there were more anime for Girls; never has there ever been a more real and relatable anime, can't wait to read the manga. makes me want to buy a lot of vivienne westwood. wonder if i should save up for a ticket to tokyo or manically purchase a two-week trip to rome right this second. it is so tempting that i cannot breathe. i really want a pen pal. someone bem y pen pal

when i was first thinking about writing this, i was sure that i'd only write about how sweaty i am [hence the mood], but as time has passed i've been significantly less sweaty. i want my sweat glands surgically removed, i just don't like being damp! i'm considering spending $100 on little dumb dresses from shein as a result of the increasingly uncomfortable weather. i've only bought things from shein once before, and i never wear any of the things i got because they are all terrible textures. i have lower standards for sundresses though, i just want to look cute, and not sweat, but i get that that's a lot to ask. keep telling myself i can 'sew my own' dresses but i'm just not sure if that's true! anyway, wish i lived in the arctic right about now, or had a walk-in freezer to work out in.

maybe you could infer this from the title, but another thing i wanted to mention was synchronicity. i've had a bunch of them throughout the years but never knew what to call it [other than coincidence] until my aunt [who is into chakras] mentioned it one day. i have no idea what it was that i wanted to say about it though. what the hell is the 'collective unconscious'? maybe i'll make a spiritual garden page, i feel like a boring wench because i don't feel like writing my experiences, but they largely have to do with extremely 'nostalgic' songs playing at unexpected times.

unrelated to synchronicity but after reading stories about people hearing music that wasn't playing, including carnival-esque music, i woke up [from a nightmare] to carnival music. i literally asked my boyfriend if he had heard it, because it was just the usual neighborhood noise, of course, there wouldn't be a carnival anywhere near our house. it was likely a hypnagognic hallucination due to weird sleep/dreams that were induced by a combo of mugwort and alcohol, but those are terrifying to me, so it was still terrifying to me. i think the moral of the story is that our minds do crazy shit, like they are truly unpredictable... i don't knoqw... maybe i'm so powerful it scares me... or maybe i have brain damage due to otc drugs, or maybe it's the combination of ambient music and constant weed usage? why am i rambling. i consumed 400mg of caffeine. im gonna go write a short film, download 1000 more livejournal icons or like learn how to astral proejct

got di gi charat volume 1 and several skorts, which are the only thing i am wearing from now on!!! not as many tank tops as i'd enjoy having gotten but... i might turn every long-sleeve i own in to a tank top anyway. i saw a bunch of cute, ornate vintage dresses in the kid's section [two of which were sailor necklines] but didn't know if i'd ever wear them, or if they'd fit, but i'll remember them forever.

last but not least, i got a clear [with red lining] backpack, all i've been dreaming of... it would be less boring to take pictures of these things. but that would require me to be less lazy!!! tht time of month which explains why i cried to goodbye horses like five times in a row after my whole microphone breakdown debacle, also y i feel so full of love rn. i want to watch a good movie! i probably will not do so. but it sounds very nice!

P.S. i found my sony handycam charger... it just showe d up

i'm going to clean up my desk by making a little gun out of my energy drink cans like the kids on the tick tock do, hopefully it will clear enough room for my keyboard, so it stops being covered in dust and trash. as i lay my head to sleep last night, i envisioned myself playing arabesque on a real life piano. this is my new life's goal.

need to start lookinf into camcorders so i can start making music videos, my brain feels like it starts to swell when i'm not doing something creative!!! logged a few films on letterboxd today, realized why i put that off so often now, as the vibes on that website are begrimed. movies are fun and stupid and though i watch some really bad ones sometimes, if i feel that they were made with good intentions, i don't typically feel intense hatred for it. also i do not think puns are funny.

lastly, my nintendo online ran out, so i hate acnh now and i'm going to play wild world and new leaf. hacking them feels wrong even though i genuinely cannot catch a single fish in wild world!!! i want to make an animal crossing page here too but as always it might just be a phase....

misplaced the charger to my sony handycam, so if i actually get a stimulus check like my mom said i would, i'm buying a shitty little handheld camcorder and i AM going to start leaving the house. my allergies are very bad and i can't breathe, the tears were helping a little at first. on my period but it's no explanation because i think i'm like this all the time. feels like all the things i love are interconnected. want to rewatch juliet dans paris and work really hard on shrines.

my bf's work is staying open an hour later, it feels very stupid and like it doesn't benefit anyone. for me, it means that i have to stop making excuses: i'm going to watch a movie i'll like tonight!!! forgot i downloaded 'sabrina goes to rome' -- i'm sure i'll like that. and a shunji iwai short film i haven't seen. my brain is exploding with shrine ideas that are probably far more ambitious than i can see myself accomplishing. anyway, i would DIE for sion sono, i'm gonna buy a record player and yura yura teikoku albums, i'm gonna learn japanese, i'm gonna learn everything, nobody can stop me, that's the power sono is imbuing in me!!!!

EDIT to say i have never listened to any other boa songs but the lain theme and wtf these britishes are going freakign crazy

i have had an iphone for maybe two weeks, after my downgrades all not working out, i feel like a grandma with how i cannot figure out how to use it. i still can't take a screenshot [on purpose], turn on the flashlight, or basically any daily maneuvers. it's in black and white so i'm using it less, and because it frustrates me. it's nice to know i always have a nice camera on me. however, it is too nice, as such i still haven't started taking selfies again lol. wish i could illegally download books and podcasts still though.

i want to go shopping a lot and feel like a girl, i wish i could go back to japan to do so. i want cute, light-colored workout clothes and legwarmers. not necessarily to wear together. i am still screaming daily about how badly i want to be ginger, i don't know what to do!

i also find it interesting that i haven't listened to music in a month. the only songs stuck in my head are horrible workout songs and the song the girls sing in breillat's "bluebeard". since i started 'making' 'music', listening to it isn't as relaxing, i feel the need to analyze it and then my own. i don't want to open ableton because i should just finish the songs i have, but i don't want to set up [the] microphone [that i got for christmas] and i don't want to hear my voice! but i have like $400 worth of bullshit over on my desk, i wish i could get myself to do all the thigns i want to do. instead i will download more livejournal icons and make more pages and that is VALID!!!! right ?

the other day, my bf and i came home from the grocery store and i immediately shook a bag of treats to lure the kittens out of the corners. the fatter one didn't come sprinting so we got really worried, looked all over the house and walked circles around the house, making eye contact with the deer and hoping they didn't take her. tears were shed, and my roommate found her hiding under the couch. she was terrified because she couldn't go into the bedroom [fumigating!]. i'm surprised she even fit. it would be really out of character for her to run outside, anyway, she's just like me... she wants to stay in the bedroom forever.

want/need to work out today, but can't pull myself away from the screen! i know once i start working out i'll be fine doing it for hours, but as of now, i'm fine working on shrines and browsing the web for hours!!! but i don't want to figure out javascript right now and maybe that is the push i need.

don't know if i mentioned it but i get a monthly subscription box that i really shouldn't and can't even afford, but this month i received a little sailor venus figure that i can't stop staring lovingly at. i convince myself it's worth the price as japanese imported toys are expensive in the U.S. but jeez.... why must little useless productws bring me so much joy

i actually don't know if i have much to say. this morning i did a yoga video that made me really annoyed -- getting annoyed again thinking about it. my bf and i have to take kitten to get a shot today, i am not excited for that in the least. will a monster ultra gold make me more or less excited for the prospect? a true crisis !