[i do not like the way this page looks anymore] 11 January 2023
right now my bangs look very silly. i resemble a corny cartoon character, like an anime character caricature; shapes going in all different directions. i do not see a solution. today i took adderall for the first time in a month or two which is why i’m even writing this in the first place [maybe]. i don’t know why i insist on taking it when i don’t really have anything to do, or at least the things i know i should do i know i will not. but i feel pretty alright at the moment.

i keep thinking about how rating a film immediately after watching it feels clouded, shrouded, disingenuous… but then, rating a film at all ever feels the same. it can be helpful for me to define my feelings through numbers and stars but for me that’s not the way art works! which i guess is what leads to everyone on letterboxd.com having some arbitrary rating scale spelled out clearly in their bio [maybe]. all that is just to say that i cannot stop thinking about ‘a gap in the skin’, however many [13.5] months ago i watched it. it resurfaces like a dream, not exactly a nightmare. find myself wanting to rewatch it despite remembering vividly the repulsion and how it permeates every second of the film. i genuinely disliked watching it, but somehow love it all the same.

other than that, i’ve been thinking about king gizzard and the lizard wizard and why in the world my skin is grey. were i in berlin i’d blend in not with the people but w/ the pavement [of which there is an abundance]. i’m very bored all day long and filled with hopes and dreams around 11pm. I think i read slavoj zizek or someone talking about feeling similarly, a boost of productivity when a normal human body would be ready to sleep, but unlike me he utilizes this rather than suppressing it and assuming such sentiments will ever arise during the daytime. not living in my parents’ house would probably help. it would also help if i hadn’t filled my closet with scary funhouse mirrors, but that is a more esoteric thing to mention.


Permanent Bimbo-pill 20 July 2022
so funny and hilarious to read my previous entry, when i contained so much optimism... nearly a week after writing that post, i experienced a premonitory psychosomatic impulse to stop waht i was doing and rush "home" [home being my asylum-like airbnb]. upon arrival, i found the [aforementioned] television [that i was constantly viewing catfish on] conspicuously absent. before thoughts of the culprit being my own airbnb owners could fully form in my head, i noticed my [aforementioned] friend's laptop was also missing from its usual placement. i then messaged the airbnb host, sheepishly admitting that i had also left the window, let's say, ajar. soon the landlord's son came in to assess the situation, called the cops, etc. while that was happening i also noticed that my purse had been stolen, containing the [aforementioned] book [that i was 50 pages into], my passport [haha], and my very-top-secret diary.

after noticing that, i began to wonder where the purse i had been actually using [containing my wallet you know all my money and my bus pass], and realized that in my pain and [psychosomatic, premonitory] panic, i had left it in the pseudo-uber i had taken home. waiting for the cops and the driver [who had shown a little bit of attitude when i called him about the situation] simultaneously was misery, which i could not cry about [due to the landlord's son's presence] nor write about [due to my diary being in a trash can somewhere, or worse, being READ]. anywyay, my friend didn't curse me for life and the airbnb hosts promptly bought a new, and far better, television to replace the other. i am still feeling the repercussions due to not having a single valid id in my possession and thus forth being hellishly housebound.

anyway on a brighter note i'm actively lobotomizing myself w/ marijuana [sorry that marijuana is the word i alwaus use it just sounds literary] and listening to far far far too much black midi. still waiting for the record to come in the mail... marijuana almost made me forget... anyway i wish i could be a NEET so i could somehow get myself to work on music. don't know why i'm more scared to take photos in the states. i'm more scared of most things. i want to learn how to cook i want to learn many things, what's new. does anyone want to mail me some adderall.

i camped for two nights last week, and went on a hike to a really sexy waterfall with a tunnel that was truly insane to traverse though while on the peak of a mushroom trip. a worst-case-scenario situation ended up making magnifcient memories which is always almost angelic, and seemingly a running theme this summer. i attained the cutest white tennis skirt and hopefully at least one good film photo. someday i should reverse the lobotomy. i want to do so many things. i got weird little pink mushroom chairs i love them so much also my chi tattoo i lvoe her so mcuh feeling love *smokes wweed*


permanent vacation/give me green card 8 June 2022
hello. long story short i'm in portugal and have been here for almost a month now, having missed my original flight home, and weighing the options of going home to the ween concert or staying here until i die. i probably should go home, but it's a very daunting task! the day i was leaving, i imagined myself immediately longing to be back home, like last time, but clearly that is not the case.

a friend lent me his laptop and european keyboards are fucked what's going on!!! i wonder if he'll be upset if i illegally download sims 2 and a bunch of custom content. not sure if that is how i should utilize my vacation time, but it doesn't feel that wrong. using italics there was a struggle because the arrow buttons don't actually have arrows on them wtf i only found them through my intuition!!! there's a movie theater here showing very random old american movies, which does feel like a meaningful use of my vacation time. i wish i knew what i wanted to do with my life in any capacity. i don't even know what to do TODAY!!!!! my propensity for indecision will be the death of me. and i cannot stop eating ramen!!!!

i brought a book but in an entire month i've read around 50 pages??? i'm a disaster! i can't get out of bed before noon either, real vacation stuff. i can't stop watching catfish. it's deceptively cold in my room so i don't know what to wear out. i don't know if i should day-drink. i do know i should NEVER buy SNACKS again. i need to buy new shoes. this is actually quite a boring entry, i need to go write a review for the sad woman movie i watched last night, and reluctantly buy plane tickets home !!! oh by the way i'm getting CHI TATTOOED on my body FOREVER. cant wait to grow old


diary of a coutnry princess 23 March 2022
i haven't updated this in so long!!! i know having a job is advantageous in a number of ways but having no time to do all the things i desire is certainly not one of them! on my days off i feel the pressure of so many things but i only end up working out and sometimes maybe rearranging the piles in my room. why must my body be my priority?! i need to make a new startpage for spring, trying not to just reuse an old one but we'll see about that... one of my old ones has a ten minute song that i feel like i've never heard in my life what is this. i want to make music and music videos and go shopping and draw and paint and play video games and write a short film and watch lily chou chou and buy a new TV and finish my overdue library book and lock myself in a cabin for weeks.

i used to be very proud of my pinterest boards, now i am going through this website and it is so pretty and feels so good to have somethign i feel i can actually feasibly be proud of. i want to make more things to be proud of! i might quit my job in the summer, maybe work even more hours right now so i can save up and just go crazy. i always forget how bad i feel in summer due to having improper clothing -- i want to learn to sew and to combat the heat. i want to stop wanting and start DOING!!!!

just looked at my spring index from last year... idk how i can top this but okay..,. update: cant and wont. will try again in summertiem

feel like i'm definitely not going to get up off the floor today but if i produce anything seemingly artistic it will not be for naught. why am i unable to let myself relax! i work myself to the bone (well nto really but in my eyes) on weekends and then wonder why the prospect of going to work then feels legitimately like a death sentence.

i watched the who movie by ken russell last night, downloaded it not knowing the context whatsoever, there was one singular line of non-singing dialogue, it made no sense but it was inspiring and i liked it. i typed kurt russell at first. i want to do karaoke. i'm reading songs i wrote in high school and crying. i had no idea how much [but also in a way how little] things would change. the other night i took a handful of mushrooms before going to bed and then tossed around imagining vivid scenarios, felt enlightening. i want to microdose today and hope it happens again. i feel i need to do something, even just one thing, to catalyze some kind of change in my life, my feet r stuck in the mud. if ur reading this can u diagnose me w ADD? and prescribe me ritalin? thank u


body made of bButterfliesz 6 November 2021
i wanted to start writing a short story [or film] but i decided this is more important. a bit intimidated by actually writing real things but quantity over quality forever baby!!!! i'm listening to les rallizes dénudés and wondering why i don't have shizuka's 'heavenly persona' downloaded; i guess i haven't felt the need to indulge in such emotions for a while. i haven't been smoking weed daily for about a month now, and finally i've gotten to the point where i feel clear and new; i want to create more than i consume, and i don't want to turn my feelings off anymore. also loving having to write novels every morning about my weird dreams. i wish i could go back and tell my wholly heartbroken self to indulge in the emotions; don't hesitate to listen to fiona apple, watch sad movies, sing sad songs [and write some], make bad decisions. now i'm watching sad movies to make myself feel something! though i feel a lot right now. having an iphone is OK but being able to illegally download music and books is unmatchable. not sure if that is a word.

upset that my index page is still summer-based, but i missed halloween, november doesn't compel me so much, i just want to skip to christmas; i want snow, i want fairy tales! also need to download more livejournal icons. i really want to finish my music as well, and make videos. i want to do so much i wish i could stop time. do i need an adderall prescription?! i need a record player and Chakra on vinyl, is what i need!!!! been watching Nana, can't count how many times i've cried. wish there were more anime for Girls; never has there ever been a more real and relatable anime, can't wait to read the manga. makes me want to buy a lot of vivienne westwood. wonder if i should save up for a ticket to tokyo or manically purchase a two-week trip to rome right this second. it is so tempting that i cannot breathe. i really want a pen pal. someone bem y pen pal


can you rnuun that AGAIN? is that a WOMAN's voice i hear? 26 September 2021
i am curently lsitening to "first week / last week - carefree" on repeat. it is a perfect song. i would like to sing this whole album at karaoke. on karaoke? soon i need to decide what marilyn monroe movie to watch tonight. i wonder if i should start praying the rosary daily. i wonder why i started writing this. i keep listening just to hear "Aïe Aïe Aïe". i stopped a random dog from eating glass today. i wish that there were more hours in the day; i wonder if i just don't spend my time wisely. but i don't spend THAT much time scrolling on my phone. i changed my phone to display in black and white as per my therapist's suggestion to cure phone addiction. i don't know if it works... i do hate being on my phone more because everything is ugly but it feels very sad. i bought this stupid ass phone to take pictures and now all of my pictures are ugly. i jsut convinced my self to change it back for real because this phone was way too expensive to be treated this way. do u guys also beleive in angel numbers or am i crazy? speaking of crazy i just finished watching a christian copaganda show on netflix [called manifest] and i don't like what it's done to my brain -- i will not expand on this. but i want to be involved in a conspiracy!

sweat & synchronicity 23 June 2021
i like the layout of this page but i don't think it's exactly what i'd envisioned... wanted it to feel like a chatroom, or an email inbox. i suppose it sort of does, but.. not to the extent i desire... hm. i used to read r/nosleep stories about everyday [could probably make a whole page about them], most notably correspondence, which was the basic inspiration for this idea/desire. i barely even remember what the story is actually about, i was just fascinated by the format. i obviously love the internet so i'm drawn to reading the kind of conversations that i'm so used to having. that's why i love[d] the ttyl series [i want to re-read...], and presumably the weird book about george bush that i have. i think, maybe, there's a lot to be said about the poetic potential in text conversations... but not now.

when i was first thinking about writing this, i was sure that i'd only write about how sweaty i am [hence the mood], but as time has passed i've been significantly less sweaty. i want my sweat glands surgically removed, i just don't like being damp! i'm considering spending $100 on little dumb dresses from shein as a result of the increasingly uncomfortable weather. i've only bought things from shein once before, and i never wear any of the things i got because they are all terrible textures. i have lower standards for sundresses though, i just want to look cute, and not sweat, but i get that that's a lot to ask. keep telling myself i can 'sew my own' dresses but i'm just not sure if that's true! anyway, wish i lived in the arctic right about now, or had a walk-in freezer to work out in.

maybe you could infer this from the title, but another thing i wanted to mention was synchronicity. i've had a bunch of them throughout the years but never knew what to call it [other than coincidence] until my aunt [who is into chakras] mentioned it one day. i have no idea what it was that i wanted to say about it though. what the hell is the 'collective unconscious'? maybe i'll make a spiritual garden page, i feel like a boring wench because i don't feel like writing my experiences, but they largely have to do with extremely 'nostalgic' songs playing at unexpected times.

unrelated to synchronicity but after reading stories about people hearing music that wasn't playing, including carnival-esque music, i woke up [from a nightmare] to carnival music. i literally asked my boyfriend if he had heard it, because it was just the usual neighborhood noise, of course, there wouldn't be a carnival anywhere near our house. it was likely a hypnagognic hallucination due to weird sleep/dreams that were induced by a combo of mugwort and alcohol, but those are terrifying to me, so it was still terrifying to me. i think the moral of the story is that our minds do crazy shit, like they are truly unpredictable... i don't knoqw... maybe i'm so powerful it scares me... or maybe i have brain damage due to otc drugs, or maybe it's the combination of ambient music and constant weed usage? why am i rambling. i consumed 400mg of caffeine. im gonna go write a short film, download 1000 more livejournal icons or like learn how to astral proejct


too hot outside need alcoholic popsicle from costco?? 16 May 2021
today i went thrift shopping with my mom and found way too many things. talked myself out of getting five separate romantic/opera/ballet cassettes and instead got several french books, from baby-level to real-person-level. just realized my colorful collection of the 'best new manga' is all-american. going to just take pictures of my dolls at some point because it's hard to describe them, passed up a precious moments bride. i always forget that there's a camera section that i keep meaning to look at... always so overwhelmed... maybe next time.

got di gi charat volume 1 and several skorts, which are the only thing i am wearing from now on!!! not as many tank tops as i'd enjoy having gotten but... i might turn every long-sleeve i own in to a tank top anyway. i saw a bunch of cute, ornate vintage dresses in the kid's section [two of which were sailor necklines] but didn't know if i'd ever wear them, or if they'd fit, but i'll remember them forever.

last but not least, i got a clear [with red lining] backpack, all i've been dreaming of... it would be less boring to take pictures of these things. but that would require me to be less lazy!!! tht time of month which explains why i cried to goodbye horses like five times in a row after my whole microphone breakdown debacle, also y i feel so full of love rn. i want to watch a good movie! i probably will not do so. but it sounds very nice!

P.S. i found my sony handycam charger... it just showe d up


[no subject] 6 April 2021
feeling restless because i have only consumed caffeine today -- with no WEED to balance it! thus, i've been talking to myself for hours, also flailing my arms while listening to music, my love has been re-invigorated by my re-watch of baby driver. i would die for sky ferreira but we all already know that! i almost did quit caffeine, but when i'm at the store i can't stop myself. i thought it would help me fold laundry, but inevitably i always get sidetracked.

i'm going to clean up my desk by making a little gun out of my energy drink cans like the kids on the tick tock do, hopefully it will clear enough room for my keyboard, so it stops being covered in dust and trash. as i lay my head to sleep last night, i envisioned myself playing arabesque on a real life piano. this is my new life's goal.

need to start lookinf into camcorders so i can start making music videos, my brain feels like it starts to swell when i'm not doing something creative!!! logged a few films on letterboxd today, realized why i put that off so often now, as the vibes on that website are begrimed. movies are fun and stupid and though i watch some really bad ones sometimes, if i feel that they were made with good intentions, i don't typically feel intense hatred for it. also i do not think puns are funny.

lastly, my nintendo online ran out, so i hate acnh now and i'm going to play wild world and new leaf. hacking them feels wrong even though i genuinely cannot catch a single fish in wild world!!! i want to make an animal crossing page here too but as always it might just be a phase....


MY HEARTS NOT HOLLOW!!!!! 19 March 2021
happy because i am finally a redhead, even bleached my eyebrows -- feels like i could fool someone. i can't listen to any music without crying; the other morning it was the b-sides to night time my time, and today it was 'hollow me'. sobbing, smiling, looking in the mirror. what do u call it when you're too autistoc to consume media ??!! my love overwhelms me. thinking about sion sono -- i can't explain it, it brightens my day, i feel like i can do anything. for no reason.

misplaced the charger to my sony handycam, so if i actually get a stimulus check like my mom said i would, i'm buying a shitty little handheld camcorder and i AM going to start leaving the house. my allergies are very bad and i can't breathe, the tears were helping a little at first. on my period but it's no explanation because i think i'm like this all the time. feels like all the things i love are interconnected. want to rewatch juliet dans paris and work really hard on shrines.

my bf's work is staying open an hour later, it feels very stupid and like it doesn't benefit anyone. for me, it means that i have to stop making excuses: i'm going to watch a movie i'll like tonight!!! forgot i downloaded 'sabrina goes to rome' -- i'm sure i'll like that. and a shunji iwai short film i haven't seen. my brain is exploding with shrine ideas that are probably far more ambitious than i can see myself accomplishing. anyway, i would DIE for sion sono, i'm gonna buy a record player and yura yura teikoku albums, i'm gonna learn japanese, i'm gonna learn everything, nobody can stop me, that's the power sono is imbuing in me!!!!

EDIT to say i have never listened to any other boa songs but the lain theme and wtf these britishes are going freakign crazy

[MOOD]: this says restless but this cat and i are not restless in the same way

why does my stomach hurt is it because its full of caffeine and sugar 5 March 2021
horrible news: minions 2 delayed again! not that it matters too much to me since the movie theater near me is still not open, nor did it open for any short amount of time in the past year. felt slightly nauseous all day so far, going to work out anyway. really excited to do yoga lately as i'm noticing my balance actively becoming better and sitting down just never feels good. i want to live in an apartment and have a standing desk. i would probably use my computer much less.

i have had an iphone for maybe two weeks, after my downgrades all not working out, i feel like a grandma with how i cannot figure out how to use it. i still can't take a screenshot [on purpose], turn on the flashlight, or basically any daily maneuvers. it's in black and white so i'm using it less, and because it frustrates me. it's nice to know i always have a nice camera on me. however, it is too nice, as such i still haven't started taking selfies again lol. wish i could illegally download books and podcasts still though.

i want to go shopping a lot and feel like a girl, i wish i could go back to japan to do so. i want cute, light-colored workout clothes and legwarmers. not necessarily to wear together. i am still screaming daily about how badly i want to be ginger, i don't know what to do!

i also find it interesting that i haven't listened to music in a month. the only songs stuck in my head are horrible workout songs and the song the girls sing in breillat's "bluebeard". since i started 'making' 'music', listening to it isn't as relaxing, i feel the need to analyze it and then my own. i don't want to open ableton because i should just finish the songs i have, but i don't want to set up [the] microphone [that i got for christmas] and i don't want to hear my voice! but i have like $400 worth of bullshit over on my desk, i wish i could get myself to do all the thigns i want to do. instead i will download more livejournal icons and make more pages and that is VALID!!!! right ?

[MOOD]: bad !

pomme-pomme la madre-fuquer 4 March 2021
i've made a lot of pages in the past few days and probably stared at them long enough to hate them all. my new shrine pages are all powered by ultra rosa monster. i keep getting the hiccups. as always, i should probably drink more water... but whatever!

the other day, my bf and i came home from the grocery store and i immediately shook a bag of treats to lure the kittens out of the corners. the fatter one didn't come sprinting so we got really worried, looked all over the house and walked circles around the house, making eye contact with the deer and hoping they didn't take her. tears were shed, and my roommate found her hiding under the couch. she was terrified because she couldn't go into the bedroom [fumigating!]. i'm surprised she even fit. it would be really out of character for her to run outside, anyway, she's just like me... she wants to stay in the bedroom forever.

want/need to work out today, but can't pull myself away from the screen! i know once i start working out i'll be fine doing it for hours, but as of now, i'm fine working on shrines and browsing the web for hours!!! but i don't want to figure out javascript right now and maybe that is the push i need.

don't know if i mentioned it but i get a monthly subscription box that i really shouldn't and can't even afford, but this month i received a little sailor venus figure that i can't stop staring lovingly at. i convince myself it's worth the price as japanese imported toys are expensive in the U.S. but jeez.... why must little useless productws bring me so much joy


MY GAY ADDICTION!!!!!!! 25 February 2021
today i am [forcibly] resting; all of my bones hurt from a 20-minute pilates video i did yesterday. i'm debating whether or not to drink an energy drink. i know i shouldn't, as i'm doing nothing at all, but i crave it so much... the crackel....the fizz... but i only have [4] of them left to last me for the rest of my life presumably. if i had a blender maybe i would drink smoothies instead. but they don't really hit the same spot. all the empty cans in my room make me feel like a complete degenerate.

i actually don't know if i have much to say. this morning i did a yoga video that made me really annoyed -- getting annoyed again thinking about it. my bf and i have to take kitten to get a shot today, i am not excited for that in the least. will a monster ultra gold make me more or less excited for the prospect? a true crisis !