sweat & synchronicity 23 June 2021
i like the layout of this page but i don't think it's exactly what i'd envisioned... wanted it to feel like a chatroom, or an email inbox. i suppose it sort of does, but.. not to the extent i desire... hm. i used to read r/nosleep stories about everyday [could probably make a whole page about them], most notably correspondence, which was the basic inspiration for this idea/desire. i barely even remember what the story is actually about, i was just fascinated by the format. i obviously love the internet so i'm drawn to reading the kind of conversations that i'm so used to having. that's why i love[d] the ttyl series [i want to re-read...], and presumably the weird book about george bush that i have. i think, maybe, there's a lot to be said about the poetic potential in text conversations... but not now.

when i was first thinking about writing this, i was sure that i'd only write about how sweaty i am [hence the mood], but as time has passed i've been significantly less sweaty. i want my sweat glands surgically removed, i just don't like being damp! i'm considering spending $100 on little dumb dresses from shein as a result of the increasingly uncomfortable weather. i've only bought things from shein once before, and i never wear any of the things i got because they are all terrible textures. i have lower standards for sundresses though, i just want to look cute, and not sweat, but i get that that's a lot to ask. keep telling myself i can 'sew my own' dresses but i'm just not sure if that's true! anyway, wish i lived in the arctic right about now, or had a walk-in freezer to work out in.

maybe you could infer this from the title, but another thing i wanted to mention was synchronicity. i've had a bunch of them throughout the years but never knew what to call it [other than coincidence] until my aunt [who is into chakras] mentioned it one day. i have no idea what it was that i wanted to say about it though. what the hell is the 'collective unconscious'? maybe i'll make a spiritual garden page, i feel like a boring wench because i don't feel like writing my experiences, but they largely have to do with extremely 'nostalgic' songs playing at unexpected times.

unrelated to synchronicity but after reading stories about people hearing music that wasn't playing, including carnival-esque music, i woke up [from a nightmare] to carnival music. i literally asked my boyfriend if he had heard it, because it was just the usual neighborhood noise, of course, there wouldn't be a carnival anywhere near our house. it was likely a hypnagognic hallucination due to weird sleep/dreams that were induced by a combo of mugwort and alcohol, but those are terrifying to me, so it was still terrifying to me. i think the moral of the story is that our minds do crazy shit, like they are truly unpredictable... i don't knoqw... maybe i'm so powerful it scares me... or maybe i have brain damage due to otc drugs, or maybe it's the combination of ambient music and constant weed usage? why am i rambling. i consumed 400mg of caffeine. im gonna go write a short film, download 1000 more livejournal icons or like learn how to astral proejct


too hot outside need alcoholic popsicle from costco?? 16 May 2021
today i went thrift shopping with my mom and found way too many things. talked myself out of getting five separate romantic/opera/ballet cassettes and instead got several french books, from baby-level to real-person-level. just realized my colorful collection of the 'best new manga' is all-american. going to just take pictures of my dolls at some point because it's hard to describe them, passed up a precious moments bride. i always forget that there's a camera section that i keep meaning to look at... always so overwhelmed... maybe next time.

got di gi charat volume 1 and several skorts, which are the only thing i am wearing from now on!!! not as many tank tops as i'd enjoy having gotten but... i might turn every long-sleeve i own in to a tank top anyway. i saw a bunch of cute, ornate vintage dresses in the kid's section [two of which were sailor necklines] but didn't know if i'd ever wear them, or if they'd fit, but i'll remember them forever.

last but not least, i got a clear [with red lining] backpack, all i've been dreaming of... it would be less boring to take pictures of these things. but that would require me to be less lazy!!! tht time of month which explains why i cried to goodbye horses like five times in a row after my whole microphone breakdown debacle, also y i feel so full of love rn. i want to watch a good movie! i probably will not do so. but it sounds very nice!

P.S. i found my sony handycam charger... it just showe d up


[no subject] 6 April 2021
feeling restless because i have only consumed caffeine today -- with no WEED to balance it! thus, i've been talking to myself for hours, also flailing my arms while listening to music, my love has been re-invigorated by my re-watch of baby driver. i would die for sky ferreira but we all already know that! i almost did quit caffeine, but when i'm at the store i can't stop myself. i thought it would help me fold laundry, but inevitably i always get sidetracked.

i'm going to clean up my desk by making a little gun out of my energy drink cans like the kids on the tick tock do, hopefully it will clear enough room for my keyboard, so it stops being covered in dust and trash. as i lay my head to sleep last night, i envisioned myself playing arabesque on a real life piano. this is my new life's goal.

need to start lookinf into camcorders so i can start making music videos, my brain feels like it starts to swell when i'm not doing something creative!!! logged a few films on letterboxd today, realized why i put that off so often now, as the vibes on that website are begrimed. movies are fun and stupid and though i watch some really bad ones sometimes, if i feel that they were made with good intentions, i don't typically feel intense hatred for it. also i do not think puns are funny.

lastly, my nintendo online ran out, so i hate acnh now and i'm going to play wild world and new leaf. hacking them feels wrong even though i genuinely cannot catch a single fish in wild world!!! i want to make an animal crossing page here too but as always it might just be a phase....


MY HEARTS NOT HOLLOW!!!!! 19 March 2021
happy because i am finally a redhead, even bleached my eyebrows -- feels like i could fool someone. i can't listen to any music without crying; the other morning it was the b-sides to night time my time, and today it was 'hollow me'. sobbing, smiling, looking in the mirror. what do u call it when you're too autistoc to consume media ??!! my love overwhelms me. thinking about sion sono -- i can't explain it, it brightens my day, i feel like i can do anything. for no reason.

misplaced the charger to my sony handycam, so if i actually get a stimulus check like my mom said i would, i'm buying a shitty little handheld camcorder and i AM going to start leaving the house. my allergies are very bad and i can't breathe, the tears were helping a little at first. on my period but it's no explanation because i think i'm like this all the time. feels like all the things i love are interconnected. want to rewatch juliet dans paris and work really hard on shrines.

my bf's work is staying open an hour later, it feels very stupid and like it doesn't benefit anyone. for me, it means that i have to stop making excuses: i'm going to watch a movie i'll like tonight!!! forgot i downloaded 'sabrina goes to rome' -- i'm sure i'll like that. and a shunji iwai short film i haven't seen. my brain is exploding with shrine ideas that are probably far more ambitious than i can see myself accomplishing. anyway, i would DIE for sion sono, i'm gonna buy a record player and yura yura teikoku albums, i'm gonna learn japanese, i'm gonna learn everything, nobody can stop me, that's the power sono is imbuing in me!!!!

EDIT to say i have never listened to any other boa songs but the lain theme and wtf these britishes are going freakign crazy

[MOOD]: this says restless but this cat and i are not restless in the same way

why does my stomach hurt is it because its full of caffeine and sugar 5 March 2021
horrible news: minions 2 delayed again! not that it matters too much to me since the movie theater near me is still not open, nor did it open for any short amount of time in the past year. felt slightly nauseous all day so far, going to work out anyway. really excited to do yoga lately as i'm noticing my balance actively becoming better and sitting down just never feels good. i want to live in an apartment and have a standing desk. i would probably use my computer much less.

i have had an iphone for maybe two weeks, after my downgrades all not working out, i feel like a grandma with how i cannot figure out how to use it. i still can't take a screenshot [on purpose], turn on the flashlight, or basically any daily maneuvers. it's in black and white so i'm using it less, and because it frustrates me. it's nice to know i always have a nice camera on me. however, it is too nice, as such i still haven't started taking selfies again lol. wish i could illegally download books and podcasts still though.

i want to go shopping a lot and feel like a girl, i wish i could go back to japan to do so. i want cute, light-colored workout clothes and legwarmers. not necessarily to wear together. i am still screaming daily about how badly i want to be ginger, i don't know what to do!

i also find it interesting that i haven't listened to music in a month. the only songs stuck in my head are horrible workout songs and the song the girls sing in breillat's "bluebeard". since i started 'making' 'music', listening to it isn't as relaxing, i feel the need to analyze it and then my own. i don't want to open ableton because i should just finish the songs i have, but i don't want to set up [the] microphone [that i got for christmas] and i don't want to hear my voice! but i have like $400 worth of bullshit over on my desk, i wish i could get myself to do all the thigns i want to do. instead i will download more livejournal icons and make more pages and that is VALID!!!! right ?

[MOOD]: bad !

pomme-pomme la madre-fuquer 4 March 2021
i've made a lot of pages in the past few days and probably stared at them long enough to hate them all. my new shrine pages are all powered by ultra rosa monster. i keep getting the hiccups. as always, i should probably drink more water... but whatever!

the other day, my bf and i came home from the grocery store and i immediately shook a bag of treats to lure the kittens out of the corners. the fatter one didn't come sprinting so we got really worried, looked all over the house and walked circles around the house, making eye contact with the deer and hoping they didn't take her. tears were shed, and my roommate found her hiding under the couch. she was terrified because she couldn't go into the bedroom [fumigating!]. i'm surprised she even fit. it would be really out of character for her to run outside, anyway, she's just like me... she wants to stay in the bedroom forever.

want/need to work out today, but can't pull myself away from the screen! i know once i start working out i'll be fine doing it for hours, but as of now, i'm fine working on shrines and browsing the web for hours!!! but i don't want to figure out javascript right now and maybe that is the push i need.

don't know if i mentioned it but i get a monthly subscription box that i really shouldn't and can't even afford, but this month i received a little sailor venus figure that i can't stop staring lovingly at. i convince myself it's worth the price as japanese imported toys are expensive in the U.S. but jeez.... why must little useless productws bring me so much joy


MY GAY ADDICTION!!!!!!! 25 February 2021
today i am [forcibly] resting; all of my bones hurt from a 20-minute pilates video i did yesterday. i'm debating whether or not to drink an energy drink. i know i shouldn't, as i'm doing nothing at all, but i crave it so much... the crackel....the fizz... but i only have [4] of them left to last me for the rest of my life presumably. if i had a blender maybe i would drink smoothies instead. but they don't really hit the same spot. all the empty cans in my room make me feel like a complete degenerate.

i actually don't know if i have much to say. this morning i did a yoga video that made me really annoyed -- getting annoyed again thinking about it. my bf and i have to take kitten to get a shot today, i am not excited for that in the least. will a monster ultra gold make me more or less excited for the prospect? a true crisis !